I've been advised that fat is often a protectorant. Protection from what? If I knew, I'd simply find a better way to eliminate that which I'm protecting myself from. And that's really what's beneath it all. Figuring out what I'm so damn afraid of. I really don't know. Is it that I'll be pissed off that I did all this work only to find out I'm still not in some nirvana inhabited by blissed out thin girls? Head says this isn't it, I'm much too realistic to believe my whole life is going to change just because I drop 50 or so pounds. Well of course its going to change, but its not like its going to solve all my problems. Oh, how easy it would have been to have, say, a crappy thyroid, that I could just medicate and be done with it! But I'm looking for this nice diagnosis, some disease I can blame this all on, some pill I can take to make it go away, and once again, I have to accept that no, this is in my head, I have to simply decide I'm going to deal with it, and to figure out what will truly motivate me to do so. I'm afraid that I might get too comfortable at 200 or something, so maybe if I write this all down, I'll remember it when (emphasis on when, not if) I hit 200.
So what will I gain by losing? Being able to wear my cool clothes again, feeling more comfortable in my body, they all sound so cliché. Plus, here's the problem: I've got some cool clothes that will fit at 200. This is good and bad. They're a nice reward for hitting a milestone (shit, my wedding gown will fit me then!), but will I get comfortable there? I'm afraid I'll get lazy: "Well, at least I'm not 234 again! This isn't so bad! I went to England playing guitar with the Psychobunnies at ~200! I played one night with the Barbie Army at ~200! Shit, I started Loblolly and put out my own CD at ~200! I got married at ~200! I did a lot of stuff I wanted at ~200. Gee, I think I'll stay here."
No I won't. I think I said earlier that I want to do that damn triathlon someday. Well, someday is never if it's not now. Went swimming last weekend and I feel good about that. First five minutes sucked, but then I got into a rhythm and felt really good. Tried running, well, I've got to get this knee in shape for that. There's a girl here at work who's also battling weight, but she did the Danskin Tri last summer. She basically said it was ridiculous to wait until you lose all your weight to do something like that if you really want to, and she's right. However….here's my motivation for getting past that comfy ~200 milestone:
I am not shoving a 200-pound body into a triathlon suit. No freaking way.
I need to be at most, 175 before I do that. That settles two issues: I do the Danskin Tri next year (50 pounds by July is unrealistic, honestly) and I do it at the most, 175 pounds, and I do it in an electric blue triathlon suit with my hair up like Nina Hagen when she was pregnant and I sit on anybody who comments on my baby fat. Stairclimb for this year. That I can do in a big ol' t-shirt and shorts.
OK, its in "print." Its published. I've written it down. I'm going to do this. Because the only thing worse than being fat is publicly saying I'm going to do something and then going back on it.