Tuesday, January 31, 2006

Beam this crap out of here, Scotty

I know, I just know, I'm looking at bad news tomorrow at weigh in. I knew this yesterday, and allowed myself to feast out on the chocolate candy a co-worker put out. I'm fighting with myself right now not to get any today. Must channel Captain Kirk. Must….. Not….. Succumb……Must ….. Resist. Must not let this weekend's digression slide into full-fledged binge. Must….. Resist. Seriously, this has historically been my problem. I had a bad weekend, or day, or hour, and then I decide my whole plan's gone to hell in a handbasket, so I throw everything out and eat like I was in one of those eating contests on ESPN. I HAVE to learn to forgive myself and move on. Tomorrow is NOT another day. Today is.

I'm going to download a photo of William Shatner and put it in my cube.

Monday, January 30, 2006

2 down and 2 down

It's official. 2 lbs down put me under 200! I will never be over 200 again. This is my promise to myself. And yep, lost those two points for good. But how do I lose them from my food choices each day? I've done some preliminary evaluation of my meals and found that while I do great at getting over the recommended 5 veggies & fruits, I tend to do more fruit than veggies. So first is to substitute 1 zero point veggie for 1 fruit at lunch and aim to keep my lunch entree to 4pts or less. I also need to add a zero point veggie to dinner to fill me up before I head to the "meat & potatoes" of the meal. And limit my meat consumption to a 3-4 oz portion, not the usual 5 + oz that even those boneless skinless chickens come in. I'm starting to plan more meat based salads, like tonight's raspberry chicken salad. Then I don't feel the need to have an entree as well. I need to work on planning my whole days' food not just plan the entrees at night and work in leftovers into my plan since there's always leftovers now.

Miracle of miracles. I woke up yesterday and was disappointed I couldn't go down to the treadmill since my kids were sleeping downstairs. Had company coming and got the cleaning done and then headed down as soon as I could. I'm actually starting to enjoy some exercise. We went ice skating with the cub scouts Friday night. At least I felt comfortable enough to leave the edge this time and did fairly good. Those spring lessons paid off. Not sure how much of a workout it was. Hopefully enough to offset the hot chocolate we endulged in.

Friday night the kids are headed to the Little Gym and Gar and I have a rare night out. Must start to plan now for how to work that meal into my points. And definitely save some points for a killer drink and dessert.

Sunday, January 29, 2006

I'm in the middle of a bad weekend

My cat died and i went out for sushi friday night and that wasnt so bad and we went to a basketball game and the beer was good and maybe a little too good and i lost control and i came home and ate leftover kraft dinner that the sitter made for the kids and then had another beer and slept till 10 the next morning and at least hauled my sorry ass into the gym for a machine stair climb and some lackluster situps and upper body work and then i went to a festivus party last night where there was tons of comfort food and i feel like its the day before my period im so goddamn bloated and i dont even know what to do today except fast until lent starts.

I have GOT to learn how to forgive myself. And blowing your food control is no excuse for run-on sentence structure, vulgar language and lack of ability to capitalize proper nouns.

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

OK, my fear of coming close to 200 - I think I figured it out

I've been advised that fat is often a protectorant. Protection from what? If I knew, I'd simply find a better way to eliminate that which I'm protecting myself from. And that's really what's beneath it all. Figuring out what I'm so damn afraid of. I really don't know. Is it that I'll be pissed off that I did all this work only to find out I'm still not in some nirvana inhabited by blissed out thin girls? Head says this isn't it, I'm much too realistic to believe my whole life is going to change just because I drop 50 or so pounds. Well of course its going to change, but its not like its going to solve all my problems. Oh, how easy it would have been to have, say, a crappy thyroid, that I could just medicate and be done with it! But I'm looking for this nice diagnosis, some disease I can blame this all on, some pill I can take to make it go away, and once again, I have to accept that no, this is in my head, I have to simply decide I'm going to deal with it, and to figure out what will truly motivate me to do so. I'm afraid that I might get too comfortable at 200 or something, so maybe if I write this all down, I'll remember it when (emphasis on when, not if) I hit 200.

So what will I gain by losing? Being able to wear my cool clothes again, feeling more comfortable in my body, they all sound so cliché. Plus, here's the problem: I've got some cool clothes that will fit at 200. This is good and bad. They're a nice reward for hitting a milestone (shit, my wedding gown will fit me then!), but will I get comfortable there? I'm afraid I'll get lazy: "Well, at least I'm not 234 again! This isn't so bad! I went to England playing guitar with the Psychobunnies at ~200! I played one night with the Barbie Army at ~200! Shit, I started Loblolly and put out my own CD at ~200! I got married at ~200! I did a lot of stuff I wanted at ~200. Gee, I think I'll stay here."

No I won't. I think I said earlier that I want to do that damn triathlon someday. Well, someday is never if it's not now. Went swimming last weekend and I feel good about that. First five minutes sucked, but then I got into a rhythm and felt really good. Tried running, well, I've got to get this knee in shape for that. There's a girl here at work who's also battling weight, but she did the Danskin Tri last summer. She basically said it was ridiculous to wait until you lose all your weight to do something like that if you really want to, and she's right. However….here's my motivation for getting past that comfy ~200 milestone:

I am not shoving a 200-pound body into a triathlon suit. No freaking way.

I need to be at most, 175 before I do that. That settles two issues: I do the Danskin Tri next year (50 pounds by July is unrealistic, honestly) and I do it at the most, 175 pounds, and I do it in an electric blue triathlon suit with my hair up like Nina Hagen when she was pregnant and I sit on anybody who comments on my baby fat. Stairclimb for this year. That I can do in a big ol' t-shirt and shorts.

OK, its in "print." Its published. I've written it down. I'm going to do this. Because the only thing worse than being fat is publicly saying I'm going to do something and then going back on it.

WWI - on my way to the next milestone

223.8, fat at 47.6%. Down 2.8 for the week, 10.2 cumulative.

OK, I've lost my 2 points for a week but I think I'll be OK. Next milestone: pre-Sammy pregnancy weight, which was 218. Here we go.

Tuesday, January 24, 2006

Grrls, would anybody mind if....

I changed the template? I'm getting tired of this one. Like the pink, hate the narrow view. I'm going to futz around with it at bit on a dev site I've got.

Team -- if you have any preferences (check the blogger template pages) or whatever, let me know. If I don't hear anything, I'm changing it this weekend.

Monday, January 23, 2006

And the milestone reward is.... Losing more points! Yippeeee!!!!!!

Like kdk, I'm not too far away from a Weight Watchers milestone, and yeah, you want to hit that milestone because its such a nice number to say you've hit (especially in Kdk's instance, breaking the 2C mark is happy dance worthy). But the happy dance silver lining comes around a gray cloud: you lose two points a day. That's most of your Skim Latte, it's a chocolate chip cookie. Its a couple of handfuls of popcorn. Some days I really need that.

I think I understand the reasoning. On one hand, it would be nice if like in the old WW days, everybody had the same rules and you just adjusted. (Oh, and if you haven't already, click here and remember how "Good" those "old days" were.) The "official" reason that bigger people get more points is that supposedly it take more energy to haul around that much more weight, so you need what amounts to a hundred or so calories a day per 25 pounds more weight to do it. Not buying. I think its more psychological. If you're at, say 200-300 pounds, you just can't go to only 18 points a day cold turkey like that and expect not to feel starved. You've been eating big up to this point and to suddenly to scale down to 1000 calories a day is going to be a shock. 26 points a day (or whatever, I'm doing old system where you can't use more than 10 of your flex points a day) eases a newbie into the process nicely and successfully.

Still, I hate the your reward for hitting those nice big round milestone numbers (that are multipliers of 25) is to lose points. I mean, I know you should be rewarding yourself at milestones with non-food items (I have a massage and facial appointement for when I hit my Sammy Pre-pregnancy weight), but like Kdk, I'm about to lose two points if not this week, then next. And no amount of stair climbing is going to get them back. I've been working out every day as it is. *sigh*.

So, I've set myself a few milestones to shoot for so that I can celebrate them with no dark clouds whatsoever. They're at funky numbers, and here they are:

Pre-Sammy pregnancy best weight: 218

Pre-Stella pregnancy weight: 211. This is also where a bunch of clothes I bought when I first got hired at my current job (which required a bit of ratcheting up from the "dowdy English professor look" I got away with as an admin asst at Marquette University) should probably fit again.

Wedding Weight: 205.

Best weight since I ever really started doing this: 194. I still have the magnet that says "I lost 50 pounds" in my scrapbook box. Oh, for the day I am eligible to put that back on the fridge!

More later on my fear of actually hitting these numbers. And there is a fear.....

Friday, January 20, 2006

So close...

Yesterday's weigh-in was 200.6. What's up with the .6? I did forget to take my sweater off. Could it weigh more than .6? Oh, well. I'll remember next week. I just really wanted something under 200 to be written in my little book. Even though the home scale is under 200, it just won't feel official until it's written down by WW.

I'm eating at the 24 pts per day level, but I really struggle to eat at that level and not use every flex point. My breakfast and lunch are very small on points but dinner is a whole other matter. I need to develop a better menu plan that will fill me up with less points. And save one or two each night for one sweet. I've added 30 min of moderate activity which gives me 3 extra points, but that doesn't seem to help. I worry about the days when I get down to 22 or 20 points. I've got my 4 WW cookbooks that I've been using for 4-5 meals a week, so I need to start adding in more veggies and other 0 pt foods in to complete the meals. I feel like I already do a lot, but guess it's still not enough.

Our "assignment" this week is to storyboard how we're going to achieve a goal and start taking the first steps. I don't usually do this for stuff at home. But maybe this would be a good time to start. Storyboard what I'm going to do different to meet my 24, then 22, then 20 pts. Tonight's menu planning and grocery trip will hopefully be a good start.

Consider the big fat source and listen to your body

Many times I've thought about this entire process and I've strongly considered the effect its having on Stella. So I've been extremely conscious that she has to see me doing this right, she has to see that eating well and exercising are the correct -- and effective -- ways to conquer a weight problem, and most importantly, it can be done, but its not an overnight process. Stella in general has had problems with patience. I don't know if that's a function of being 7, or if its just her, but she's impatient with herself -- when she's learning a new skill, be it biking, skating, whatever, she quickly gets frustrated if she hasn't mastered it in five minutes. So this whole "mommy losing weight" is going to be a good lesson for her. Much of my motivation comes from looking at her, and realizing that this isn't just me losing weight, its me demonstrating the power of self-discipline, of patience, of not waitng for some magic bullet or fairy tale thing to solve any problem. What I do now will teach her something -- it needs to be the right thing. And especially, I know she needs to see me lose weight not by anorexic or bullemic behavior, not with some fad diet, not by punishing myself, but with my head straight on toward a goal.

But last Friday, after I'd picked her up from the kid care at the Y, she had a huge bug up her butt about something and she didn't want to tell me what it was. That bug crawled further up her butt all week and she's been a real freakin' pill. She hasn't wanted to talk about it. She kept telling me she was afraid I'd be mad. Finally, last night, she came clean with me about what happened at the Y last week: "Somebody called you a name."

BFD, I thought to myself. Took me a minute to remember that this is a little girl whose beloved mommy had been insulted by some twit. "And he called me a name too."

"And what were those names?" I asked, reaching for my dental implements. I could feel a major tooth pulling session coming on.

"I can't remember," she said. Yeah, right. Somebody said something that hurt you terribly, but you can't remember what it was. Translation: I don't have the balls to tell you. It hurts too much to say it out loud.

Finally, after I removed all four wisdom teeth and performed a root canal, she came out with it. Some other kid, a boy about her age, was not pleased that earlier in the night, Stella and I apparently brushed up against him and neglected to apologize. (The check-in place was packed. This might well have happened.) "He said you were a fat dummy and that I was a snot-nosed brat." OK, let's take this one part at a time. I asked her if she had a runny nose that day (no), assured her that if she were a brat, she'd have heard about it from me long before this kid had told her, and reminded her that I'm quite smart, and how did he know that I wasn't the president of the local Mensa chapter? She'd accepted this. And then I fessed right up. "Well, he did get one part right. I am fat." And then I proceeded to approch this in a very adult manner: "OK, dude's gotten three out of four things about you and me wrong. Is this somebody whose opinion we care about?"

"No," she said, mostly because it was The Correct Answer.

"Because he's only got a 25% accuracy rate. I'm not at all impressed with his assesment skills. So, honey, I don't care that he called me fat." Problem was, I wasn't addressing her problem. I could tell by her weak-ass "no" that she wasn't convinced. She's still hurt that he called me fat, that it was an insult. It didn't matter to her that I didn't care. It mattered that it was true, that fat is a bad thing to be, and that he was using this to try to hurt us. (I was touched that she considered this our problem, not just her problem and not just mine.) But "consider the source" rarely works for little kids. They can't consider the source. If there's just even 1% of truth to it, the source just might as well be Walter Cronkite. Think, V'ron, think. How do I comfort my little girl and get a lesson out of this? Think like a little girl, V'ron. But teach like an adult…… hmmmmmm. Part of why it didn't hurt me was because it was coming from some little wiener, and also because I know that "fat" in child vernacular isn't just a physical description of body image.

"Fat" is an adjective intensifier. "Fat" is a form of "-er" and "Big Fat" is a form of "-est." That splinter in your foot is only a micron wide, but when you step on it it’s a Big FAT splinter. You could be skinnier than Kate Moss after an all-night coke binge, but if you made a stupid move, you're a big FAT moron. Ergo, "You big fat dummy" is a way of saying "You UBER dummy. You're dumber than I am. You're the dumbest." It just so happened in this case that the person (me) who made a (honestly, unremembered!) bonehead move also happened to be fat. And Stella believed I'm sensitive to that. How to convince her of this? (And once again, convince myself in the process.)

"Honey, honestly, you know why this doesn't bug me, besides just considering the source? Its because I know I'm fat, but I also know what I have to do to not be fat. I know why I'm fat."

"I know why you're fat, too," she piped in. "Its because you just had a baby a year ago and that makes you fat." God bless her for trying to make excuses for me, and kudos to her for recognizing that preganacy and postpartum are not times to be worrying about one's svelteness: "Yes, that's a legitimate reason to gain weight," I assured her. But I had to admit to her that, well, it's been two years now, and besides, I'm only about 7 pounds away from my pre-Sammy weight (and about 27 pounds away from my pre-Stella weight). So I can only blame about 5-25% of my fat on my two pregnancies. "No, honey, I eat too much stupid food, and I eat for reasons other than being hungry. I have to stop that. You know how you get when there's a whole bag of cookies that you really really like? You eat too many of them and you get a tummy ache, right? And then you've got no room for growing food, right?"

"Yeah. I hate when that happens."

"Well, if you do that too much, your body gets used to it. And then you eat a whole bag of cookies, and your body forgets to tell you that you've got a tummy ache, and then you think its OK because you're not listening to your body anymore. So you keep doing it, and then you get fat. That's how it happens." I think she understood.

"And you know how when your feeling are hurt or something, it feels good to have some ice cream or a treat?"


"Well, I count on that way too much. Sometimes you just have to find out why something hurt you, instead of covering it up with ice cream all the time. So I have to learn how to listen to my body again, and I have to give my body good food to eat and I need to exercise. I'm not going to be fat forever. But some people are. And some people don't know why they're fat, and they don't think they can ever do anything about it, and they feel bad. So when people try to hurt them by calling them fat, they get hurt. It used to hurt me, because I didn't think I could do anything about it. But now, whenever anybody calls me fat, or when I can't get some of my favorite clothes on me, it just reminds me to listen to my body better." And as I was telling her this, I was believing it. It was making sense to me, just as it was making sense to her. Listening to one's body isn't just for potty training.

Later, when we got home from ice skating lessons (while I was nursing a wound she got on her chin from a particularly nasty fall) we were cuddling on the couch, watching Duck Dodgers, and I asked her a rhetorical question: "Hey, by the way, you don't think my ability to love you has anything to do with my weight, do you?"

"Of course not, mommy."

"Well, then, we're not worried about what some turd at the Y says," I said, and was rewarded with a burst of genuine giggles which I joined, a sort of female Beavis and Butthead on the couch, snuggling together, watching TV. "You said 'turd,' Mommy. He's a turd! Heh-heh, heh-heh-heh. Turd." Make that a big fat turd. Maybe she did learn to consider the source.

Wednesday, January 18, 2006

WWI - A Successful Holiday Food season!!!!

I just realized that WWI, while for me, stands for Wednesday Weigh-In, stands for World War 1 for the rest of the world. Sometimes it feels like that.

Oh, the numbers! 226.6. Down 1.2 for the week.

Down 7.4 for the holiday season which also happens to be my cumulative amount since I started this whole thing/got serious/etc.

Fat % is 48 though. I suspect that's going to hover in the mid to upper 40s until I drop something like 20 or 30 pounds.

I like the way I'm talking: "until" and "when" as opposed to "if".

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

Wouldn't mind a fat....

... President. Just wouldn't want it to be me.

Thanks Garrison for the chuckle.

And thanks, Elaine, for sending this to me.

Frozen Food count

OK, day back from day off at work (thanks MLK! Glad you died for this!) and let's look at that freezer inventory.

10 Lean Cuisines
2 Weight Watchers Smart Ones
1 Lean Pockets

There might have been more in the process of consumption, as I checked the freezer at 12:20. I eat after my stair climb, which ususally ends up being 12:30ish, so my numbers could be off.

We'll see if this levels off as the year goes on.

Lunch for Me? Leftover spinach and artichoke appetiser thingy that was 8 really yummy points. Typical pampered-chef style ring made with crescent roll dough and a sinful filling that I lightened up a bit.

Stairclimbing is getting easier. Flip Flop

Not sure if I'd get a fun workout today, I climbed the stairs in my building.

Uh Oh. At one point I was actually kind of running up them. Kind of. But that's still a step up (pun unintended but wow, it works, eh?) from trudging up the stairs.

I supposed I should cross this bridge when I get to it, but what the heck am I going to do when this gets too easy? (Yeah, right. Don't worry about things like this, V'ron). Seriously, later in the year they do this fundraiser in the building. Its the 40 floor stair climb, and you get pledges to climb the stairs. And its a RACE. There's -- I think -- three categories: (and I don't remember the names of them but they boil down to) Firemen (in full regalia WITH equipment), runners, and schumcks like me. Since it looks like I've got a calendar conflict for the Danskin Triathlon,(something I've always wanted to do and heck, the training for it would do me good) maybe I should train for this. Maybe not. Maybe. Uh Oh. What am I thinking? I HATE stair climbing. But the reason I hate it is that its a pain the the butt, and just today, I am realizing that it gets easier the more I do it. Must think about this. On one hand, 40 straight floors is a lot. I go up (And then DOWN) 4 flights. But then again, 100 pounds is a lot to lose, but I'm not giving up just because its going to take a lot of work and time. But on the other hand, if I'm going to train, I want to train for something I want, something I like. I like swimming. I live for riding my bike. Running? Eh. But I would just have to make up my time on the bike. I think I'm talking myself into doing the Danskin in a town other than Chicago/Milwaukee (its in Pleasant Prairie). Or maybe the stair climb this year, and Triathlon the next.

Monday, January 16, 2006

Tea vs. Coffee

I love coffee. I'm not the type to drink it all day long, but I love a nice big cup (stevia and cream) in the morning. On work days I fill up my travel mug and drink it on the way to work. I love that.

I also love Alterra coffee. My favorite is a Vanilla Latte. I'll stop for one when I'm @ Mayfair or Bayshore, and I like to meet friends @ Alterra by the Lake whenever possible. It's my favorite favorite.

This is the deal though --- coffee does something to my system. I think it's the combination of the acid effect in the stomach and the general negative effect of caffeine on the Adrenals (which control metabolism - fat metabolism especially.) Additional Info.

I find that if I switch to green tea, I lose weight. Sigh.

This week I'm going to switch to tea and see what happens. So far today I've had a mug of green and a mug of herbal. I'll still have my Vanilla when I meet a friend for coffee, and maybe on a weekend morning, but for my work routine - it's gonna have to be tea. It's just the way it's got to be.

Know thyself.

Back on track?

Was fairly "good" through the holidays. I made sure to balance the bad with some good anyway and then got back on track once home. Up .6 at the first weigh-in, but down 2 last week. OK. Keep on track. I can do this.
Saturday morning scale was firmly on 200. Finally! Then off to the family party and Veronica's wonderful food. Sunday morning scale was just over 200. Sunday was not the fruit and veggie day I promised myself. Today's morning scale was firmly on 202. And tonight is another get together. But I packed my lunch (as usual) and dinner since I'll eat at work before errands and the party. Must have willpower. I want to see that 200 - or less - this week again. And I want to see it on the WW scale on Thursday.
This morning was the fourth morning in a row for my 30 min treadmill program. Added wrist weights today, too. If I can keep getting up in the morning (going to bed before midnight would help), I can do it. I'm not all that excited about exercise, but I do love my treadmill - well, more my uninterrupted 30 minutes of reading Newsweek.

Monday starts again

Our last weigh-in with our weight loss counselor was Thursday. Instead of renewing (because we're broke), we bought a new scale for at home and we're going with that. I've switched to AM weigh-ins. As of this morning, I was sitting at 250. blech.

I spent an hour yesterday and pre-cooked 6 chicken breasts, 2 pork chops and chopped up every vegetable in my fridge. I also made enough tuna salad for 3 lunches. Now we're prepped for meals until Thursday. Tonight I have to make a run for more produce, but I'll prep and bag it all like I did yesterday. So much faster whne you're getting lunch in the morning and you just have to reach in for a handful of this and that, toss it in your container and go. No washing, no chopping. Just move!

I lied to myself about working out this morning. I was really really cold and unprepared for such coldness. No, seriously.

The ED counselor has not called me back to make an appointment.

Saturday, January 14, 2006

End of the Holiday Season, Kaga-san!

The holiday guests have left. Its the last vestige of the holiday season, since half the family wasn't around for the official Christmas day. We had the family party this year, and I put out some serious hors o'deurves. (Someday I will learn to spell that).

But the guests have gone. I'm home alone right now with Sammy, Stella and Brian are off to a Bucks game. I've given away most of the leftoers, I've frozen the rest and put points values on each little baggie full. I've loaded the dishwasher, I've done the pots and pans, I've put myself a plate of veggies out for tomorrow, I'm bloated, I'm drinking diet soda, there are no more big food events for many weeks, and... and... and..... I can hear Fukui-san's voice saying it now: The Holiday Battle is OVAH!!!!!

Edited to add: Oh, the BATTLE is ovah, but the judging happens in a few days. T-minus weigh-in =72 hours. Wish me luck.

Friday, January 13, 2006

now what

I'm up another 1/2 lb. I think I'm back up at 255 or close to. Sucks ass.

I contacted an eating disorders clinic.

Thursday, January 12, 2006

Weight really fluctuates!

It's amazing. Just a test, I've been weiging myself every day. I know that's a dangerous game, and don't plan on doing it every week this way, but just as an experiment I've been weighing myself every day after I get out of the shower. Up 3, down 2, etc. etc. etc. Is it really possible to have a 2 pound fluctuation in ONE DAY? What the hell?

(This is coming from someone who never used to own a scale. I'm a bit oblivious. The only scale I ever used to see is at WW and at the OBGYN once a year...)

Stop the madness!

I've been eating fairly out of control this week. It's strictly been stress related. I want to stop being an emotional eater. Will that ever happen? I have no idea. I thought I'd gotten it under control, but apparently not.

My dad was hospitalized with kidney failure. It's a big convoluted story. My first response was to go open a bottle of wine and drink until the anxiety was quelled and I could think about it all without flipping out. Since I have no desire to be an alcoholic, I ate my way through it. Do we see a problem here? Does OA work like AA? Becuase if it does, then that's where I should be. Except that God part. I can't do the God part. Maybe I can just recover, write a book a la James Frey and get on Oprah.

But I digress.

So I've been eating emotionally. I really thought I'd conquered that but really, I haven't. And that's upsetting. It makes me believe I will always struggle with being hugely fat. Not losing the last 20, but more the struggle of losing the first 100.

Wednesday, January 11, 2006

Up 3 - and I really feel great.

Scale is deceiving. I weighed 178.5 this morning! Up 3. Yesterday I wore a suit and felt abolutely svelte. Fantastic! Go figure.

I've been exercising every day, drinking a lot of water, and watching everything I've been eating - portions, quality, etc. I had only 2 drinks the entire week vs. the usual 2 per night I was sucking down over the holidays.

This is all I can figure:

- The 2 drinks were last night over dinner @ LaPerla. I suppose LP can put 3lbs on a person in one night.
- I've been doing muscle building exercises?
- It's almost "that time" of the month.

Nonetheless, I'm not discouraged. Press on. 143 here we come - be it May or June or July or whenever it arrives.

I may need to quit coffee though. As I recall, coffee messes with my adrenals. Maybe I need to switch to green tea. Deep breath.

WWI, could have, should have been worse

227.8. Up .6. Not bad, considering Saturday. And it wasn't the food that killed me, it was the open bar. I'm not a drinker, but you'd be surprised how mmuch those calories add up in beers. I don't even want to know how many points that martini was. Did I mention that it was a damn fine one at that?

Also, I am bloated.

One more weekend to go before I declare the "Holiday Food Season" over. This is the house party we're having for Christmas. I know, its a bit latee, but all the relatives were scattered at their other in-law's this year, so this was the first weekend we could get together. We tell the kids that Santa sometimes likes to wait because he profits from the after-holiday sales, too. They're good about that.

Note to self: in addition to all the fattening but wonderful (If I do say so myself) hot hors o deurves (someday I WILL learn to spell that) must get some crudities and some reasonable dip for them.

Menu so far: honeyed lamb and raising in phyllo triangles, spinach and artichoke ring, philly beefsteak rolls (they're in the current issue of Saveur! must try this!) a cheese selection, dip, chips, etc. Must run to "Metro Market" (this is the downtown upscale pick n save, I've taken to calling it Metrosexual Market) and get freshly steamed and seasoned shrimp. Oh, so much too do. So much to eat. So little points.

Tuesday, January 10, 2006

It's good to be a shareholder in Lean Cuisine this time of year

At work, on the floor of the building where I work alone, I counted 12 -- that's TWELVE Lean Cuisines in the freezer in the employee lounge. And I'm here early (as usual). I'm going to have to check back later this morning.

Everybody's got their resolutions. Everybody is working off that Holiday weight. And nobody has time to just throw together a salad or a healthy soup!

Why no "Weight Watchers Smart Ones"? Was there a 5 for $10 sale on Lean Cuisines at Pick and Save or Jewel that I missed?

Lean Cuisines are always a good emergency lunch to have in the freezer for those mornings when you wake up and realize you've got 5 minutes to be out the door, so you just reach in the freezer and there's your 4-5 points for lunch. You can augment your yougurt from the cafeteria. I actually keep a Lean Cuisine or two in the work freezer, but even with your name on it you risk somebody lifting it. Oh well, its only a LEan Cuisine. It's not like its the Suzy's Cheesecake that you ordered for a special occassion that some loser stole from the work fridge (this happened to a friend of mine).

We actually had a rash of fridge thefts last year. It was quite the buzz in our department. What kind of loser steals from the work fridge. That's when I just started bringing really gross looking (but delicious tasting) stuff. Potato and sorrel soup. Its green. BRIGHT green with dark green flecks floating around in it. Or weird little wild rice pilafs with bean srpouts on top. Delicious. But they look disgusting, especially in a green Glad Saver Box. Nobody steals my food.

Sunday, January 08, 2006

Food worth saving up for

If you're going to save your points, here's the meal I had last night, courtesy of my employer, that was totally worth eating boullion with vegetables floating around in it for lunch for the week. When your company has its holiday party at the Pfister Hotel (Wisconsin's only truly 5-star hotel), you're not getting the same old nasty hotel banquet chicken cordon bleu, let me tell you.

First off, open bar. TOTALLY open bar. Damn good vodka martini. Well, it better be, given that I tipped the bartender $5 fifteen minutes earlier when I started my night off with a Heineken.

Appetisers: a variety, including these things that tasted like extremely refined crab cakes, but wrapped up in little crepe purses and tied with a string of scallion. Also, this incredible artichoke thing that basically tastes like that famous hot artichoke dip, but more artichoke, and surrounded by a delecate (but let's not kid ourselves) deep-fried coating. My favorite was this tuna tartare thing served up on some kind of crostini, with a dab of cold wasabi butter, but was othewise seasoned to answer the question: What if the Italians did sushi?

Soup: very tasty fresh cream of mushroom soup served en croute, except the "croute" wasn't a just piece of bread floating around. No, the cup was sealed shut by baking a layer of puff pastry right on top, browned and puffed perfectly so that when they brought them out, we had to wait till it got to our table before we could determine whether it was a popover, a souffle, or the soup that it turned out to be.

Salad: a bed of fresh greens, with a fan of alternating steamed and marineated beets with the best goat cheese i've ever had. I'm still working up my taste for goat cheese and this offering sealed it. It didn't have that skunky taste I normally hate in goat cheese. Raspberry vinagrette, but not ordinary raspberry vinigrette finished it off.

Rolls: these were only very good, but nothing the Iron Chef would have served, like the rest of this meal. I passed.

The Main course: a potato thing that was a sort of concentrated au-gratin, baked with a lovely crust. Not a huge serving, thank god. The most tender, no-sharp-steak-knife-provided-nor-needed piece of beef filet I've had outside of a Japanese Kobe Beef offering, cooked a PERFECT medium rare. And then a slab of salmon, poached and served with a lovely (but not overbearing) cream sauce that might have had flecks of sorrel in it. Vegetable was asparagus steamed perfectly, arranged inside a stemed tomato shell.

Dessert: a molded dark chocolate shell filled with some stuff way too rich to be mousse, but too thin to be cheesecake. Every other person at the table got this, and the others got a piece of white chocolate cheesecake. Almost everybody there (including myself and Brian) shared their dessert with their date, was was a clever way to serve up two desserts without giving us all coronaries.

OK, back to boullion today. I might not like the news the scale gives me Wednesday, but I'm not regretting just throwing the points book away for this night. If I can't have nights like this once in a while, then what's the point? I did go STRAIGHT to the Y today.

The mindset of exercise

I feel good today.
I look better than I did yesterday.
I will look better tomorrow.

Wednesday, January 04, 2006

The Treadmill Works Too

Wow - that treadmill that's been sitting in my basement for 6 months. It works! Can you believe it?

We received my in-law's treadmill when they downsized and I've not gotten my fat a** on that thing since the day it arrived.

Well, this morning I got up early, did my Cindy Crawford / Kathy Kaehler workout - Workout A - (it's a good one - for post-partum moms, but good for the out of shape too) - then put on the sweats, fired up the iPod and worked it for 20 minutes!!! Sweat and everything. (Ben Harper's "Brown Eyed Blues" is a great workout song - btw)

Weigh in today was 175.5, but I'm ok with it. Up .5 thorough all the cheese and red wine is victory.

No excuses for not exercising

So last Sunday, New Year's Day, the Y was actually open, but they didn't have Kid Care open. (Kid Care is the child care they offer, its cheap and fun). Not a big deal, because Stella's getting a little old for the mostly preschool toys they have there. In fact, last time I took the kids to the Y, Sammy stayed in Kid Care, and Stella frolicked in the "family activity room" -- its got a habitrail-like climbing apparatus with a slide, along with a giant screen TV and some computers. She knew where to find me in the workout room, and she was comfortable with popping into Kid Care if she needed help. But on Sunday, Kid Care was closed. Stella wanted to join me at the Y anyway to play on the habitrail-thing, so I left Sam at home with dad, and Stella came with me. I was really looking forward to a nice, long workout, starting with about 45 minutes on the elliptical trainer on 2 espressos and a fully-charged iPod. It was not to be. The instant we went into the family activity room to drop Stella off, she looked at me and said, "Mommy, I... I.... uh, I just don't feel right." The room was lit only with the outside dreary overcast sun, and unlike the other day, was populated not by a handful of kids around her age, but with one man and his teenage (presumably) son silently watching the game on the giant TV. We went into the front hall. "I don't know what to do," Stella said. "You won't get your workout, but I'm scared. I don't want to be in that room right now."

Ugh, I tried so hard to mask my disappointment at not getting my new years' day escape into exercise-induced euphoria as I said, "Yeah, but you have a gut feeling that its not safe for you in there, and you always have to trust that gut feeling." And by implication, I wanted her to know that I would always support her in that gut feeling, even if it meant that I drove all the way to the Y for nothing. She saw right through me. "I know you really wanted this…" and I cut her off.

"NO. You don't feel comfortable in there, and its those two guys that are freaking you out, right?"


"And you and I both know that they might be the nicest guys in the world, but something, you can't put your finger on it, something is telling you that you're not feeling safe in there, right?"


"Well that settles it. Its more important that you listen to that little voice inside you, always, " I said, also convincing myself that this was indeed the lesson to be taught here, "instead of me going on the Stairmaster. I'll get my workout some other way today," I finished, admittedly, with some disappointment in my voice. I can't hide this stuff. I'm a lousy poker player. But at that point, I noticed she was wearing gym shoes. All was not lost!

"Hey! Let's go shoot some hoops!" I said, brightly. This is a YMCA, after all, and Y's are known for their regulation gymnasiums! "That'll be a good workout, and both of us could use the practice." And I meant it. Stella loves shooting baskets, so its not like I had to drag her down to the gym. Now, most people would say that shooting baskets is not exactly an aerobic workout. But when you're as crappy a shot as I am, running around and chasing that ball is quite the heart rate stretcher. I bet if I crunched the numbers, I'd find a direct relation between declining shooting percentage (mine hovers around 20-30%!) and increased aerobic capacity. I just had to decide that my horrific attempts at lay-ups could be written off by the guys in the room by some "fat white women can't jump" mentality, and that's what kept them from laughing at me. But try 10 lay-ups back and forth full court and tell me you're not in your training zone. And, I actually hit a few 3s! (those were NBA 3, too, not college 3s!) Anyway, Stella's lesson about trusting her gut in an intimidating situation was learned, and I learned one too -- there is really no excuse for blowing a workout. You can make one happen anywhere.

Even in the damn stairwell I'm going to have to hit on my lunch hour today, since I won't have time after work to go to the Y tonight. Have I mentioned how much I hate real stair climbing? At least I've been doing it enough so that my calves don't ache two days later.

Oh, BTW, from what I can tell, Stella, my four-foot-two Stella, has roughly a 50% shooting percentage, damn good for a 7-year-old girl using a men's basketball on regulation hoops.

Wednesday Weigh In - I worked for this

Worked out, that is. Will post later with the details but here's this week's numbers:

Weight 227.2 -- down 3.4. That's made up for the Christmas gain plus about a net half pound. Down 6.8 for the season. Fat % 48.1. I told you I like my nutritionist's fat monitor better!

Tuesday, January 03, 2006

Good meeting with the nutritionist...

... who weighed me and noted that I exceeded my goal for maintaining weight through the holidays, and actually lost five pounds! And I like her body fat measurement tool better. Mine says 47.9%, hers says 45%. Official weigh in is tomorrow, and I still have two major holiday parties (work and then extended family) to do before I declare the "holiday" season over, but I'm feeling really good.

Goal/Theme for the next couple of months is portion control, but more accurately, determining WHY I eat when I'm not hungry. I need to stop eating food because it's there. I've done OK on this lately, but I still find myself absentl-mindedly grabbing handfuls of snacks and stuffing them in my mouth. Or finishing up the kids' dinners because I hate to see that uneaten food go to waste. Its going to be wasted anyway, must get over this.

Writing down all of this, and everything I eat, helps.

Monday, January 02, 2006

The scales

I weighed on my own scale today. It said 254. I'll weigh on the "official" scale on Thursday night and again on the thursday after that. Then I'm on my own.

After the 2nd thursday, we'll go buy a new scale. Test it to see if it weighs closer to the 'official' weeigh-in so we can keep a more accurate track.

I'm having one last sugar feed tonight. It's black forest cake. I can't say no. I really can't. It's in my genetic code.