Thursday, May 31, 2007

Biking in lots of questions...

So, I haven't checked in lately. Today? 217.4, up 1 but even more depressing is that I reference my entry from a year ago in my regular blog (because I discuss teh Miller Lite Ride for the arts) and I weight just as much today as I did a year ago! Bummer! It's like I blew a whole year to waste. I'm still fat. I haven't lost a pound in a year.

Thing is, being fat did not stop me from accomplishing a lot this year. I got my band back together. I put on a successful photo show and actually sold a piece. My day job is going well. All these things that fat people aren't supposed to do. And I did them. But I'm still fat! How come I can do all this stuff and not get this weightloss thing going? How come I can't seem to stick to this? How come I always get cocky after early positive results and still be fat?

Lots of questions, no answers.

Oh, blog maintenance. I've had to enable comment moderation because some dickslap decided to post some crap -- and I don't know how to delete it. So please continue to comment -- I'll check as often as possible and accept your comments, as long as they are germane to the discussion.

Monday, May 21, 2007


I also wanted to mention that 12 months or so ago, I started doing Yoga. Yoga is wonderful. Great for flexibility and breathing and stress. Great for toning. Great for having some quiet time in your week.

About 6 months ago I noticed a tightness in my right shoulder. The twists wouldn't go as far on the right side as the left.

Then, 2 Sundays ago I took a real awkward fall and slammed my shoulder. I heard one of those awful "pops", and it HURT!

No emergency room, but an MRI the week later, a subsequent trip to a few docs, and today's visit to the physical therapist. Throw in a trip to the acupuncturist for good measure.

The diagnosis: partially torn rotator cuff. It should heal on its own. It will be a long road though before I can do yoga or spin or ride a bike the way I did before / without pain. Hopefully not too long because we have a trip planned to Governor Dodge in mid-june, and we always bring the bikes.

Bottom line: getting injured sucks.

Walking a lot right now. That's good.

Hello Again

Friday: Bought new running shoes. Walking shoes.

Saturday: Went to my first Weight Watchers meeting in [WAY TOO LONG = FOREVER]

Weight: 181, Spirits: Confident I can lose the weight and keep it off.

Thoughts: It's VERY easy to forget how much you really eat. Restaurants give huge portions, your stomach stretches, you make bad choices in general, once or twice a week you sit in front of the TV with wine and Fritos - BINGO! 181lbs.

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

Moving right along

216.4, %46 even. Down 2.6. This was a gift though. I still need to be journaling more. And as much as I celebrate spring and the advent of summer, its like pulling teeth to get the weather to cooperate. Last Monday we had record highs; yesterday it was pouring rain and brought chilly weather along with it. All I want to do is get outside and hang out and run around, and the weather is not cooperating.

Triathlon training is moving right along as well.

That is all. No huge insights this week.

Wednesday, May 09, 2007

Random May Ramblings...

Random ramblings at This Time For Sure, Rocky:
  • Summer de-wussification, which I wrote about in my regular, non weightloss blog, continues. Got caught in the rain riding into work this morning, and it felt great!
  • Lots of partying this weekend, which probably accounts for the only .4 (that's point 4) loss this week. Oh well, any loss is a good loss.
  • I think I'm overtraining for the triathlon. My numbers are dropping, rather than getting better. Need to have rest days.
  • OK, numbers: 46% fat, 219 pounds, down point 4, but the fat percentage is dropping more.
  • Hey, has anybody noticed that the three girls left on American Idol are not exactly waifs?!?! This is so hopeful. I mean, OK, Jordin isn't what I could call fat; but at the same time, girlfriend's got some meat on her bones, and she's beautiful. They all are. And they all have some serious pipes. I don't expect to hear Britney Spears belt out "To Love Somebody" like that anytime soon.

Over and out.

Monday, May 07, 2007

Granny Panties

Sorry haven't reported for a few weeks. Was holding steady around 175. Then finally pushed it last week and was down to 170 for 4 straight days and my official weigh in on Thursday was 170.8 - 61 lbs lost. Got my "next 5" star and rewarded myself with a new sports bra. Let's hope this one supports me well.

Speaking of undergarments, I had some undies that were kind of big when I got them, but these days are downright huge. So I finally threw them away. It felt so good. My next biggest ones are feeling too big these days, too. But I'm reluctant to throw them out just yet. I hate buying new clothes right now because I know I have more to lose before I get to my goal. I don't like the thought that I'm throwing my money away. I like the clothes I've been buying. It's going to be a happy day when they are too big, but it will be a sad time too as I say good-bye to some new favorites. At least they'll be in decent condition when I donate them!

I was looking through photos this morning, trying to find ones of me around my goal weight from high school and college. Back then I thought I was fat. As if. Sure I didn't have a flat stomach and carried about 10-20 extra lbs that weren't acceptable at that age, but after age 25 are perfectly legit. Now it's my goal to be that weight again. In the photos, I'm always wearing a baggy sweater or my t-shirt hanging out. Trying to mask that "fat". I finally found some with shirt tucked in. I look pretty damn good. Why did I think I was fat? I found a cartoon a couple years ago "I wish I was as thin as I was when I thought I was fat." Me exactly.

Thursday, May 03, 2007

On the right road, and the side trips were actually part of it

The Best Damn PM Ever
Photo by Nicole Bruni.

First the numbers: 219.4, Fat Percentage 46.5. Down 1.2. This time for sure, people, I feel like I'm back on track. For sure it was the stress of putting on the show, and if anything good came of that, it's that I really have to be conscious of stress as a binge trigger. I was having issues, I wasn't turning to people for help, instead I reached for food. I didn't plan anything, I just drove through fast food and shoveled it down my throat on my way to meetings, to getting things done. So if anything, the victory is in recognizing this, and having it thrown in my face in such an obvious way.

This is a picture taken of me by one of my colleagues, and I admit, it's not the most flattering picture of me ever taken. But I really, really like it anyway, for reasons besides the generous title she gave it. And I'm discussig it here, because as I'm learning, my fat is not a cause of my pain, it's a symptom.

As you may know, I have this day job in corporate amerika that, as far as day jobs go, really isn't that bad. It's high stress sometimes, but pretty much all the things that suck about it are all the things that suck about having to work, period. But its still not where I want to be, it's still not the dream. The dream is making a living creatively: writing, photographing (music will still be the obsessive hobby!), in effect, telling stories. I'm not turning in my notice tomorrow; I've got a few more years in a cubicle before I can make that jump. (I have a mortgage, college funds to seed, a little debt to get out of). But I'm fine with that. I'm confident in my plan. The events of the past few weeks and months have convinced me I'm on the road I want to be on, going in the right direction, and the journey is as every bit important as the destination.

When you're in college or art school or wherever studying creative as a youth, you are pretty much conditioned to reject Corporate Amerika like it was the devil, the dark side. It's like you're being baptised into the creative, and you're paraphrasing the catholic baptimisal rite: "I hereby renounce Satan, and all his works, and all his empty promises." Nothing about this world can be good for a creative, you must reject it all or you're One Of Them. Well, I'm One Of Them. I'm a fucking yuppie. I drive a nice car, my house is nice, my kids wear good clothes, I have health insurance. I can afford to get a massage and facial every quarter (and you bet your sweet ass I do). But for many years I looked longingly at my creative friends who were toiling away, and I was jealous. They never sold out to The Dark Side.

The thing is, though, when I got out of college, I didn't start writing right away. To be successful at creative, you have to have a certain confidence in ones self that will push you through the constant rejection that all creatives get. Much of that rejection comes from your own soul, that you aren't good enough. (Gee, my fat friends, we don't have this problem, do we?) You have to have a side that says "Yes I am!". I didn't have it. I didn't see myself as a writer/artist/whatever. I saw myself as a pretending wannabe. I didn't take myself seriously.

Over a bunch of years I flailed about, tasting different lives, always sad that I hadn't become the creative I always dreamed of being. Then I landed in Corporate Amerika, and bit by bit, I took classes, learned skills, and started to realize that there was a place here, in staid, stuffy old Anonymous Law Firm, for an obnoxious, take-charge, boisterous extrovert like me. I'm at the point now where I'm making a good living, as a Project Manager, using phrases like "action items" and "deliverables" and "agenda topic" and such. I'm taken seriously for it, and I can tell because I can stroll into a project meeting, populated by a bevy of network engineers and desktop managers and web developers whose language I can read write and speak, (but not fluently) -- and yet wield authority because, as I often introduce myself and my job, "I don't really do anything, but I get things done." But I'll repeat: they take me seriously, and in turn, I'm taking myself seriously.

For the past few months, I've taken these management skills -- skills I and many of my creative colleagues pooh-poohed as skills only those on The Dark Side valued -- and applied them to something I have passion for. I used them to help put together the art opening I've obsesseed on this blog about. They were an element of why it was a success. (It goes without saying that the entire team kicked ass, and this was my piece.) But I never once felt any self-doubt about the value I offered as a project manager, and as I warmed up to this group of photographers and our style of working together, I felt confidently authoritative arriving at our meetings, agenda in hand, action items to assign, deliverables to evaluate. In turn, we produced an event, and in doing so, we've all discovered something about ourselves that we take seriously.

When people who have been in Corporate Amerika decide to leave (for something more "passionate"), often they do so with that same rejection of values that creatives have against The Dark Side. Not here. I'm going to be a success in Creative, I'm going to be a success as a writer/photographer (and, to stay on topic with this blog, a not-fat person!) because of the experience and skills I learned in Corporate Amerika. My being an IT Project Manager is the reason why I even had the guts to say, "Hey, guys, I think my photography's good, and uh, by the way, I have these skills I think will help us get it out there…"

That's why I like this otherwise unflattering picture of me so much. I don't look like somebody in Corporate Amerika: I'm disheveled, no makeup on. I'm wearing hot pink and I'm sitting outside on a Sunday morning, enjoying a cup of latte. But do you know what I'm doing in it? I'm conducting a Post-Project Lessons Learned Meeting, and specifically, checking my palm pilot for a next meeting availability!

I'm here, I'm at a point where I'm taking myself seriously as a writer and an artist, because of my years in the Dark Side. So when I finally am ready to shake off the golden handcuffs, I'm not going to be rejecting Corporate Amerika doing so. Its always going to be a part of me, and it’s the part of me that was missing for so many years of insecure self-doubt. Its given me a confidence that is spreading to the parts of my life that I need confidence in. That will always be me, organizing meetings and setting agendas, even while I'm tattooed, wearing funky headbands and hot pink, and arguing with myself what my next project's theme is going to be.

Thanks Nicole, for this shot. Its so perfectly demonstrates why I haven't (and never will) completely renounce the Corporate Amerika that many so pointedly regard as Satan.

Oh, and I'm down 1.2 pounds.