Thursday, September 28, 2006

Insert Title here

231.8/186.2/131.8 - Up 1.8. The weekend away from home got me off track. I didn't plan as well as I should. And I took up the defeatist attitude and kept eatting whatever all week. I had to admit to Sue at lunch that I didn't track. So we're both tracking this week and showing each other next week.

Last night I did a highway clean-up. Our company pays for our dinner at a local sports bar when we do this. And every time I get a salad. I didn't want to do a salad this time. There were 4 of us from Weight Watchers at dinner all sitting next to each other, so I felt the pressure to order something "good". I went with the grilled chicken sandwich and the steak fries and diet soda. I don't do much soda, but it's the free food thing again. At least I did pass on dessert.

Next week I'll revisit my goals since most cannot be accomplished by the dates I set earlier. My sister gets married next summer, so I'm setting my sights on reaching Lifetime weight before we go to CA.

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

The Rat's Gonna Stick Out

In the past few weeks, I've had a chance to go out and see a bunch of bands: we've either gone to a few street festivals (they're really cramming them in), or we're out anyway and we've dropped in to see a band. And if not seeing a band, I've been to a couple of parties lately where I'm running into people from the "scene" who remember my band. And in all these situations, I get asked when we're going to play again. And over the past few years, my excuse has been: "We'll I haven't got time. I've got a toddler and I barely have time to pick up my guitar, much less rehearse with a band. I don't even have guitar callouses, I just about remember my three chords, shit, I just about know how to play my own songs. "

"Oh, and I really want to drop at least 20 more pounds before I step on stage again." Which is a nice way to say "And, uh, well, I'mfat..Isn't that enough reason to stay off the stage?"

We all know that's an excuse, because I was fat when I first started playing, and somehow people managed to find value in my music and performance. And, I have often lately mused to people, "As Anna Nicole Smith has taught us all, if you're a blonde with big tits, it matters not that you are fat." So the fat isn't the issue. It's a symptom of the issue. And I had a revelation this week. Its not the fat I've gained. It's not the toddler (who's now 3, he's become a full-fledged KID) taking up my time.

Its my moxie. I've lost it, and I have to get it back.

I size myself up musically, and I'm not seeing the big picture of myself anymore. Let's face it, my voice? I wouldn't last 15 seconds with Simon Cowell. My guitar playing? Well, I'm better than Kelley Deal, but people tell me I'm a great guitar player, and I'm here to tell you, I'm not. My husband is a great guitar player. My bass player is a great guitar player. But I think cloudy hindsight (I won't go so far as to say "legend") has taken over the fact that, well, I know my chords and can play some cliche leads but I'm no Matt Brandabur, and I'm thusly afraid I won't live up to my hype. I've written some OK songs. But somehow, we got fans. Somehow, we even got a teeny little paragraph in Billboard. For some odd reason, people still have our bumperstickers on their guitar cases and even the bumpers of their cars, and I still see Loblolly T-shirts being worn. It's not that cool a logo, apparently people liked the band. How the hell did I pull this off? How did a fat, oddly-voiced, quirky songwriting and marginal guitar-playing blonde chick with a gap in her front teeth that rivals Lauren Bacall's manage this? On paper, I really couldn't tell you. The only thing I can think of is that I had moxie. (Note use of past tense.)

And the fact that I've been telling people "Well, I'll get the band back together when I lose 20 more pounds" is just a cover. It's as though deep down inside, I know I won't lose those 20 pounds, and thus my excuse for not putting on my best cool band clothes, not strapping on my Rickenbacker, not plugging it in, and not getting up on stage and screaming out my blues is safely locked in. I can get on stage and do joke bands easily. (Speaking of Anna Nicole, I did appear at Trash Fest as Patti Nicole Smith, singing the legendary punk priestess' top songs decked out in all my fatness, with Anna's dreadful tinny drawl, just picture it: "The boy looked at Johnny…") I can do joke bands. I can put on a disguise and be a degenerate German chanteuse braying out a Pixies cover. But my own real band? With my own real songs? Did I set that 20-pound deadline in order to avoid dealing with what has turned into a severe case of total stage fright?

Worse yet, am I going to let that stage fright sabotage my weight loss goals? And is that why I've only dropped 25 pounds in the past year, despite this blog, despite my efforts, despite the support of everybody who reads this blog and has laughed and cried with me in this phat little community of ours?

Reasons why I should be getting my moxie back:

  • Everytime I go out and see somebody on the scene, they ask me "So, when's Loblolly going to play again?" I need to learn believe that this isn't just polite conversation. If people just need to start a conversation with me, they could always ask "So, how's your kids? How's your photography going? How's that writing going? Still working at Anonymous Law Firm?" No, these people really want to see this band play. With me in it.

  • Really, I have one of the best drummers in town (and I'm not saying this to pump him up...enough people have said in different contexts, "Yeah, Andy Pagel man. He's one of the best drummers in town") who has been on my case to play with Loblolly again. For years. And I keep blowing him off with excuses. It's not like he has nothing to do. He's totally in demand, he's playing with a variety of bands (from a western swing band, to a Velvet Underground tribute band, and he even gets to pretend he's Keith Moon in a Who tribute band.). He's not wanting for gigs. He wants to play in MY band. He wants to play MY songs. Enjoy this, V'ron. Believe it.

  • My bass player, Dan Mullen, who is a very good guitar player (he's my guitar teacher for chrissakes) wants to get the band back together again. He's said he's totally up for it. He has rehearsal space. He has the time, now that he's no longer in the band that he made his name in. His songs rock, and he's come into his own as a stage performer. He's finally found his voice, and he's using it. He's busy with as many bands as Pagel. In fact, he's in half those bands with Pagel: that VU thing (with a "Nico" who can actually sing, unlike the real, constantly flat, Nico!), a Buddy Holly/Greatest Hits band, and god knows what other fun things Mark Shurilla can come up with. He's totally a snob, and won't waste his time with untalented performers (I've heard him whine about this). So why the hell would he want to be in a band with me? Clearly I must bring something to the table. On top of that, he's been recruited to play guitar with another terrific band, with another saggitarian egotistical performer, but yeah, right, that's going to last as long as I lasted in a band with Stoney Rivera.

Don’t get me wrong, Stoney Rivera is a great, great performer, and the Psycho Bunnies was great fun to be in, for the five months we lasted before we "exploded in a pyre of pulled hair, damaged egos, and broken guitar strings." Love that girl, love her, I tell you,, and thank her immensely for the break she gave me, the trip to England she dragged me on with the band, and honestly, the moxie (there's that word again) she helped me find. But except for staged reunion shows, we should never, never, never be in a band together again. I learned a lot from her; she is not exactly a waif herself. It appears I need to re-learn a few things from her.

OK, here's what I have to do:

  • Lose the damn 20 pounds already. It's not an excuse anymore. It's a good milestone. Note new milestone listing on this blog's sidebar.

  • Pick up that guitar again. Tonight. I'm picking up the guitar to-fucking-night, after I get home from soccer and swim lessons with the kids at the Y. No excuses. I learned my three chords back in 1990, I can re-learn them again. Just the other day, Stella discovered that her acoustic guitar got totally broken over the weekend, the neck snapped off like Pete Townsend had gotten hold of it. I remember getting that guitar for her when she was Sammy's age, and the reason I got it was so that I could practice on my guitar and she'd have her own instead of bugging me to play mine. Elmo's guitar just wasn't cutting it for her anymore. So, probably, to facilitate this, I'm going to have to replace that child's acoustic guitar, because I know Sammy's going to be just like Stella, he's not going to let me play unless he has his own axe. He's like this with everything else in my life: my camera, cooking, biking, computer: "Let me try!" He's three. He's a boy. He's my Sammy. $30 for a ToysRUs "First Step" guitar will be totally worth it to keep him out of my hair.

  • Speaking of hair, I have a hair appointment in a few weeks with one of the best colorists in town. I still have the big tits, but need a little help with the blonde. And its not just the hair color itself I need help with. I need to remember how to be a Blonde again.

Because it matters not that I am fat, and not that great a singer, and an OK songwriter, and a marginal guitar player. The fat is just a symptom, and I will not let it be an excuse, nor will I let my stage fright be an excuse for not losing the fat. Besides, as Marty Balin grudgingly admitted about Grace Slick in 1968: "You put six ducks and a rat on a stage together, the rat's gonna stick out." And what makes the rat stick out? Moxie.

Oh, its Wednesday! You want numbers?

215.2, fat percentage 45. Down 1.8 pounds, up a few percentage points. Whoopee. Down some weight AND I had an epiphany!

Friday, September 22, 2006

One year and back on track

231.8/184.4/131.8 - Down 5.6. It's amazing what eating right and exercising will do, especially if those pounds are the recently gained vacation weight. Let's hope the trend continues.

I tracked my food all week. I think I'm going back to points for good. It worked so well for me those first few months. And I eat too many non-core foods. The week included a girls visit for scrapbooking with chips and dip and a dinner out, but somehow I managed to do ok. I showed my tracker to my WW friend and will continue to do so to keep myself honest.

I had my first couple of training session on Tuesday. I wore a way too large shirt over my ok-to-wear-in-the-basement-but-not-really-anywhere-else normal tank and spandex shorts and I looked pretty dumpy. So of course my trainer was Jamie, the hottest trainer in the group. And here I am looking so completely crappy. When I got home I immediately figured out a way-more-flattering workout outfit. Yeah, I'm married and I love my husband, but if I'm going to have these hot, thin, fit guys working me out, I want to look decent, and eventually I want to look hot. I want to be a hot mom. One of the women in the WW meeting said she wanted to be a MILF and I thought 'I like that goal.' Is this shallow? Oh well. I've never been the hot girl. I'd like to try it out!

The first training was decent. I walked out sure my arms would be sore and thinking I didn't remember doing much leg stuff. The next afternoon my legs and butt were really sore. Guess it was the lunges. Thursday I had the woman trainer, also a Jamie, and she really did a number on my arms. I think I have Andy bright and early at 6 AM tomorrow morning. He did my physical assessment, but I haven't seen his training style. Which part of me will be a-hurting on Sunday during the JDRF Walk?

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

They're only numbers, and they're all excuses.

And weird numbers they are: 217. UP 2. But get this: Fat % down to 42.3%. That's my lowest ever. And that puts my "pure fat" weight at its lowest ever. Still, I'm way up past the 212 I joyfully posted a few weeks ago. I'm up 5. Ugh ugh ugh.

At least my measurements aren't up. In fact, some are down. My waist is down.

I'm in the throes of a horrific period, accompanied by gas gas gas. I am this walking, sloshing gasbag. If that's TMI for you, well, this probably isn't the blog for you anyway.

Tomorrow is the autumn equinox. Maybe the position of hte moon and all that has something to do with it.

I actually ate well this week.

I'm just a bag of excuses and number crunching, aren't I? A waterlogged, gassy, menstrual, fat bag of excuses. I just have to soldier on.

OK, carry on.

Friday, September 15, 2006

The Sun Came Out

... yesterday, and as such, I went to a REAL running store and bought new running shoes. I'd posted elsewhere, but might as well post here, that they need to come up with a sensor that warns you "Your running shoes are old. They have lost their cush. Buy new ones before you bash your heel in" instead of me waking up one morning feeling like somebody banged the living crap out of my heel. The problem is that, like car brakes, the deterioration is so gradual that you don't notice it until you feel damaging pain. At least with car brakes you have a chirp, and if you ignore the chirp, you risk your brakes not working!

So anyway, the sun finally came out yesterday, so I went to ol Rodiez's Running Store, which the "Health And Fitness" thread girls at MilwaukeeMoms dot com advised me was the place to go, and I learned that tended to roll inward a bit, so I needed support there, and now I have a pair of Saucony Grid3 shoes that, (like KDK13's pack of trainer sessions) are my gift to me and my goals.

Amazing what a little sun can do for the spirit.

Thursday, September 14, 2006

One year anniversary

231.8/190.0/131.8 - Up 0.8. Not surprised at all. Where has my exercise and tracking gone? Just because I'm trying to do Core doesn't mean I don't need to track. And well, about that Core thing. As soon as I eat a non-Core food my good intentions seem to fly out the window and the day is shot. The flex tracking thing worked for 6 months - why do I need to change? Just freakin' stop eating crap! Think about what I'm eating and just say no. And get my lazy butt out of bed at 5:00 and get on the treadmill. What's so hard about that? Why am I purposely sabotaging myself? Why am I still up at 11 PM when I need to get up at 5 AM?

So today is a good day to re-evaluate and celebrate success. One year ago I was sitting in my first WW info meeting hearing about the program and deciding I needed to do something because I wasn't getting any thinner or healthier on my own. And where am I now? I'm 41.8 lbs lighter. I have more muscle and stamina. I'm wearing size 14 and sometimes 12 for the first time in years. It may not be where I could have been, but it's way better than where I was. Time to cut myself some slack and celebrate - not with food or drink - but with this post. Yeah me! OK, that's done.

Another woman in the WW meetings and I set a goal for ourselves this week. Mine is to track. Track all week. And I have to show her my tracker next week. This will motivate me. I've also signed up with a personal trainer place and have paid for my sessions, so there's no turning back. I've wanted to do this for months but kept putting it off. My gift to me.

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

Blame it on the weather

I'm 215 today. Up three. Here's the thing. I get on the scale this morning, as I do for every Wednesday Weigh in, and it takes forEVER to come up with a number. When it does, that number is 208. Woo-Hoo I at first think. But then, that can't be right. Not the way I ate this weekend. Not the way I ate yesterday, and certainly not the way I didn't exercise like I normally do. So I look at it, wondering if the batteries are going, or if maybe three years of bathroom merm are finally interfering, because it ususally doesn't have to "think" about the weight. You just step on it, and it goes.

So I get some bathroom cleaner, wipe it down, and, well, I'm at 215. That's more like it. shit. That's not really more like it, but its a lot more realistic. There's a part of me that was going to post the 208, but I would have cleaned it off anyway, eventually, and then I'd have to post a ferocious gain, and what would we have learned. Part of this whole process is being honest with one's self.

But I would like to blame something other than myself, and as I posted yesterday, this transition to Autumn isn't going well. Its been downright crappy her for the past week. What is the "sun" thing scientists speak of? Hasn't made an appearance in SE Wisconsin for almost a week now. Its been dreary, rainy, bluhhhhhh for awhile. And chilly and cold. The leaves aren't even turning yet, so you don't even get that glorious red and orange to brighten up the landscape. Its all gray. My car's in the shop, but its too rainy and icky to ride my bike to work, and when I get home all I want to do is watch TV and, well, eat.

I think more than being a stress eater, I'm a boredom eater. I've got to spice up this bluuhh day, so let's EAT Ick. Bluhhhh. Shit. I'ts gray, its rainy, my car's in the shop, I need new gym shoes, my scale is playing tricks with me and I'm fat. I feel fat and bloated and gassy. Bluuhhhh. Ick.

It's supposed to be sunny tomorrow.

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

Catching up

OK, I'm way behind. I'll try to catch up now. I was not NOT posting because I wasn't losing. Just too busy at work and home and didn't make the time. But go ahead and believe I was avoiding it, because had I done a good job of losing, I'm sure I would have found the time to post.

7/13/06 - 182.6 - down .6, total loss 49.2. Almost back to 50 lost. Not at all the 60 lost for vacation as I wanted. Off to Costa Rica so no weigh in for two weeks. And heck with tracking food. Or working out. I'm going to enjoy the trip without worry and pay for it when I get home.

8/3/06 - 185.8 - up 3.2, total loss 46.0. Must have been a good girl for a couple days back home since my total vacation gain was 5 lbs. The food was decent and I managed to eat enough of it. They did keep us going, so we got some decent activity. Our return was followed up with a potlock corn boil at our community farm and then a donors only reception at the new library. Hey, we gave a lot of money to the library so I must sample each elegant edible many times, with many mimosas to wash it down. I'm wearing my "little black dress" and everything.

8/10/06 - 184.6 - down 1.2, total loss 47.2.
8/17/06 - 186.2 - up 1.6, total loss 45.6
8/24/06 - 182.8 - down 3.4, total loss 49.0 - almost there when here comes another vacation and another missed weigh in
9/7/06 - 189.2 - up 6.4, total loss 42.6 - Wow, how much dessert and Culver's did I eat?! We were home all week with my parents. I had some fruits and veggies to use up. What better than zucchini cake and banana bread. We got these banana flavored Frango chocolates that weren't all that great alone, but they made the bread pretty yummy.

Well, now we're back to fall and I sometimes can wake up in time for a workout and when I can make it to work on time, I can walk at lunch with Jenny. Now if I can get a handle on what I eat, I could make some headway again. Is this the same song and dance I've been spouting since March?

I also have to get the hormones under control or at least note them on my calendar to proactively stop myself. For the last few days I seem to be out of control on eating. And I never feel full. I finally realized that my time of the month was here and then the over-eating made more sense. But since it seems to start about 3 days before the actual event, I need an alarm in my Palm or plan out my Tracker to write a warning - cycle about to start, do not overeat!!! And plan some strategies for this time of the month. I also need to give myself permission to eat a full bag of 94% fat-free popcorn anytime I want if that will fill me up and stop me from rampaging through the pantry.

Two days to weigh in. Not looking too good yet. I'll keep you posted. Really.

This transition to autumn isn't going well

I'm looking at bad news on the scale tomorrow, and I think I've just nailed why:

While I've been not perfect all summer, I had a very active summer: weekends filled with 2 hour bike rides, mornings getting up early enough to get an hour in before work, active vacations involving bike riding, hiking, climbing up stairs to water rides, running around with the kids. The weather's gloomy, its not conducive to working out, and I can only do an indoor workout for so long before I gotta hit the showers.

But my eating isn't adjusting to the slightly but nevertheless decreasing activity level. I have to do this. I have to get back into Eating Boot Camp mode again. Or I just have to accept that its Autumn and I have to establish a new routine, both with eating and exercise, because this summer eating style just ins't cutting it, literally.

See you tomorrow, when I post probably what should be a gain.

Monday, September 11, 2006

Heart Rate Monitor Revelations

I bought a $40 heart rate monitor a few weeks ago, and I will say that it's a GREAT investment. When I got my fitness assessment, I was given a heart rate range that I should maintain while exercising. It's very revealing to see where that rate is when hooked up to this device. I reach my max a lot faster than I thought.

Here's another interesting fact: My heart rate gets to the same level with a brisk walk as it does on the ellipcial trainer - showing that yes, a brisk walk is just as good for you from a cardio-vascular standpoint as time spent on a machine.

I will continue to visit the gym (and the elliptical) (and the weights) a few times per week, but it's good to know that a walk in-between is just fine too.

I was also told that a $40 monitor is pretty much just as good as a $100 one. I bought the Polar one with the EKG quality monitoring. All you really get for more money is more features. I'm barely using the features on the one I have, so I'm happy with it.

Saturday, September 09, 2006

Fitness Milestone!!

I just ran an hour this morning without stopping.

Mind, you, this wasn't exactly Boston 'thon pace.

Nevertheless, I ran it. And i didn't stop. When I got home, I looked at my watch chrono and could see I was two minutes short of an hour, so I just kept running around my yard so I could post this.

Woo Hoo!!! You couldn't have told me a year ago I'd be here already.

Wednesday, September 06, 2006

WWI - Living in the English Renaissance

Man oh man, you'd think that 211 was my final goal, the way I seem to be avoiding it. Its only a milestone, and a pre-pregnancy milestone at that. Nevertheless, I'm not there, in fact, I'm up this week. I knew it would be; so just to take some of the sting off, I did a run this morning before work and weighed myself after the run, which historically can shave up to 2 pounds off. Its water weight, but when you're dreading weigh-in, you'll take any way you can get to get rid of any excess.

Wednesday Weigh-In numbers: 213, 44% fat. Up 1, but the fat percentage is way down, the bright spot in this otherwise messed up week.

Its the weekends that kill me, and this long weekend especially. I was pretty good going in -- even at the Renaissance Faire I went to with Stella's Brownie troop on Saturday. They had a wide selection of really excellent food (no, I didn't get the Turkey legs, but then I wasn't dressed to period anyway). It was one of those deals where you got something (a well-seasoned spinach calzone) and then right as you're swallowing the last bite you see -- oh my gosh -- Beef Ribs! Damnnation! I coulda had a V8! Old Veronica would have gone and had the beef ribs anyway. But New Veronica did not, knowing that later in the day Sammy was going to want some ice cream and I would have to help him finish it (they only came in giant waffle cones, something a 3 year old tummy wasn't going to finish). So I actually stayed within points.

One thing particularly cool about the Ren Faire is that, frankly, a lot of the women are fat -- and proud of it. They walk about like "Hey, I'm fat! Check me out! Get a gander at these knockers -- there's more where these came from!" And if they're not fat, the costumes do their best to make them look fat. Apparently, fat was the thing to be during the English Renaissance. The costumes push up your boobs to make them look as rubenesque as possible. The giant dresses are built to hide what could be a bony ass underneath. If you did not have fat on you, apparently it was embarassing. Methinks perhaps I'm a woman out of time, because even when I hit goal, I'll still look good in these costumes as I will still have child-bearing hips, melon-sized breasts, and a jolly ol' face. But when you think about it, its kind of sad that even 500 years ago, there was fashion that constricted or shaped women to be whatever the tastemakers of the time decided was good-looking. I look at these costumes, with the push-up bustiers that put victoria's secret to shame, and think "That can't be comfortable." So maybe its another lesson in how you can't please everybody, and just be who you are and learn to love it.

No, it wasn't the Ren Faire that killed me. It was the Sunday birthday party followed by a welcome home party that did it. I'm at this kids' birthday party with Stella, and for whatever reason I'm sitting down next to a bowl of M&Ms. That's white chocolate M&Ms. Have you ever heard of such a thing? Neither had I, so of course I had to try them. They're good. They're really good. They're too good and that bowl is right in front of me and its there and I'm eating them and its there and I'm popping them in my mouth, and I'm finding different ways to make them last, like sucking on one until the hard shell breaks, and I realize no, these are M&Ms, they're not tootsie pops, and I return to eating them like they were potato chips and I'm eating regular M&Ms to compare and contrast white and regular chocolate and and finally I say ENOUGH and push it away. But the damage is done. I eat a hamburger and there's all they mayo-based side salads and I'm going nuts. And then I head off to the welcome home party, where our hostess had made really good food, but I'm already stuffed, but I don't want to pass up a chance at this roasted organic piedmontese beef and before I know it, I'm regretting this whole day. Then comes Labor day, a dreary, rainy, yucky day. To get a workout in, I'm going to have to drive to the Y, and of course I can't get to the downtown Y because its Labor Day and there's a parade and I at least work up the oomph to get to the South Shore Y, only to find I'm not going to have a luxurious workout followed by spa heaven because it closes at 1:00 pm because it's Labor Day. So I do an elliptical trainer for a half hour, followed by weightlifting and some ab work, I plunk my sweaty body in my car, and drive home. And because its Labor Day, I have a hankering for some grilled food, but its too dreary and rainy to do anything like that, so I jump and say yes when Brian suggests we just get some take out Indian food, and I order this creamy fat laden-curry spicy comfort veggie thing over seven cups of rice, and now its Wednesday Weigh In, and, well, here I am. One pound up. During the week, I'm good. I'm in business mode, I'm methodical, its routine, and I'm successful.

I have got to get a handle on weekends. Either that, or get a ticket to the Wayback machine and go live in the English Renaissance.