Wednesday, April 25, 2007

For some reason, I'm not stressed about tomorrow

Well, I have some catching up to do, eh? I blew off last week, but there was nothing new. I was at 224, and I know now to blame this completely on stress. Because after the my art opening I ate normal, I exercised, I could feel the stress falling out of my body and I'm down this week, almost 3 and a half pounds, down to 220.6. If I've learned anything through this, its that I'm a stress eater and I have to find a better way to deal with that.

In the meantime, remember all these posts about getting the band back together? I'm not nearly as nervous about our first show in 8 years tomorrow night as I was about the art opening. Maybe it's because I'm used to this sort of thing. Maybe it's because it’s a small club, I didn't promote it that heavily, and the audience will be comprised mostly of friends and fans. Or maybe I'm just more comfortable on a stage than on a wall.

The thing is, and I've discussed this before here, is I have a certain persona on stage. She's a tough, detached, cynical bitch. It's a very nice costume to wear when singing songs that I suspect a lot of people don't realize are highly personal. I didn't have a persona at the gallery opening. It was just me, my photos up on those walls, pictures of audiences staring back at me. I felt naked, without a safe little costume protecting my soul. The good thing about this rock and roll costume, thought, is (unlike my fat), it's fairly healthy. I can slip in and out of it fairly easily, and its not too far from me. And I suspect most folks can see right through it anyway. I even have a new song that covers this fact. It's called "I Can't Play Poker For Shit."

The triathlon training is now going. I've taken baseline times in each of the three disciplines, and I can finish them all separately, easily. So now the training focuses more on strength and endurance. I already know I can do it. Now I just want to get a respectable time for a large woman in her 40 doing her first tri. I know they say "You won't be the last to cross the finish line," because they get Sally Edwards, this triathlon training expert, to always be the last person to cross the line. Well and good, but the symbolism is lost on me. She's not finishing last because she's slow. It's not like she probably couldn't even WIN this thing. She just does this symbolic crossing of the line last. Well, I don't want to be second to last, either. And I feel bad for that penultimate finisher, but it's not going to be me.

Friday, April 13, 2007

Up three. Need to start journaling.

Ach, I'm up three pounds to 224. I seem to be hovering around here; there's no discipline involved and I need to get it back. I'm disciplining myself to work our every day, but I'm not planning meals and I'm paying for it.

I'm hitting this icky "Oh, the heck with it, I'll never do this" feeling that's wafting over me and thank god for this blog, because coming here, and re-reading old entries is indeed keeping me going. I have to start journaling the food again; that's all there is to it.

Still busy. I've got my photo show and of course, a week beforehand we are hitting a few last-minute snags that have re-introduced "corncob" to my rotating pool of oft-used vocabulary words. Can't go public quite yet on the source of that corncob's trail, but suffice to say as a Project Manager, I should have known it was going all too smoothly, all too perfectly, a project isn't a project unless it hits a crisis or two. And as far as crises go, this isn't really that bad: it's not really detracting from our original scope or goal, which was to host an event-based exhibition of our work. But still, last minute curve balls either have to be slammed out of the ballpark or just accept the strike. And as previously blogged, this is all a source of stress, and as my numbers are showing, I'm medicating my stress with food, and that's not good.

Training for the triathlon is going glacially, but at least I'm sticking to my goal of doing something workout related at least once a day. But maybe next week, when the kids' schedules are back to normal, and maybe Wisconsin weather gets back to normal (snow in April, WTF?!?!?) I can just put my training schedule and work it in. I've got to do more than 30 minutes of cardio a day if I'm going to make a decent effort in July.

Blogroll updates

A few of my faves have moved or come back.

  • Big Fat Deal, a really great blog, has moved! Mopie and the gang are here now. New and improved! The new look it great, it has links to a "greatest hits" set of posts and comments. If you don't already visit with Mo and Weet and Anne, I highly recommend you do so. As I commented there, that blog has been instrumental in my analysis of how I view myself, since they focus on media intrepretations of weight, and let's get real: we DO base our self-image on what the media barrages us with. Having that awareness is a huge step in getting past all the "supposed to bes".

  • Thanks to Pastaqueen who pointed out that The Fatslayer Chronicles is back! I'm glad to see this: when I first started This Time For Sure, I came upon the old Fatslayer site, and she had really great, hopeful writing that I loved. (Plus an overseas perspective which was enlightening.) Then she had the ol' "massive life changes" and she sort of ducked out of the weightloss blogosphere. So she's back, and better than ever. I have the old link so it's easy for you to check our her archives, which are worth reading.

OK, as you were.

Thursday, April 12, 2007


175.4 - Up 0.4. I'm giving myself permission to eat whatever I want during holiday meals and social events with family and friends. I've tried all the tricks - smaller portions, eating before you go, make healthier foods, leave the kitchen, etc, but I still end up eating lots of food and all the "bad" food anyway. So instead of indulging then feeling guilty and beating myself up, I'm now giving myself permission to eat and be merry and have no guilt! I've made so many healthy changes into my diet and have eliminated a lot of the day to day unhealthy junky foods that I can allow myself to indulge occasionally.

Up this week, but probably not due to Easter completely. Some of it might just be the different clothes and layers I'm wearing today to keep away the extra chill from the snow. My goal this week is to get 10 Lighten Up Wisconsin activity points each day. I got 17 on Monday from a treadmill walk, lunch walk, and 11K walk after work. I got 8 Tuesday. Yesterday was a snow day, so I only got 3 from the treadmill. Playing board games with the kids doesn't give you activity points but definitely racks up the Mom points with the kids and is so much fun! So I need to make up 2 pts in the next few days in addition to my daily goal. Got the ACS 10K walk on Saturday that will help. A nice long morning walk on Sunday should do the trick.

Thursday, April 05, 2007

Back to Boca

3/29/2007 - Unofficial 170 - down 5 lbs.
4/5/2007 - Official 175. up 5 from last week - same as 2 weeks ago.
Last week we took a couple spring break days, so I was down at Medieval Times eating 1/2 a chicken, skin and all, with my fingers at the time I would normally be weighing in. I don't know how I got so low last week, or how the pounds came back on so fast. It couldn't have been the chicken skin, could it?!

One thing that helped last week was Boca burgers for lunch. A co-worker found Western Bagels that she ordered from CA. They have 1 pt per bagel. So that was my entree all last week. A 1 pt bagel with a 1 pt Boca burger, some mustard, lettuce or spinach, and onion. They were good! My new favorite lunch. How can I go back to the 4-6 pt frozen meals again? Well, this week I have leftovers from dinners. Too many points and too much weight gained back. Back to Boca for me!
I got some really good walks in this weekend and somehow dodged most of the rain. But guess my eating kept up with my exercise. Easter is Sunday and I know I want to eat some Peeps and some ham and whatever else we make. So I better plan accordingly with the rest of my food because I've seen 170 and I want to see it again soon!

I'm In, Even Though My Body Is In Entropy

I'm in.
Originally uploaded by V'ron.
WWI: (even though it's Thursday) 21.2, so I'm down 1.8. I was battling a nasty sinus infection, and get this, I sprained my ankle on Saturday. That's really putting a damper on my plans to do the Danskin Triathlon but I'm going to do it anyway. My doctor says I'll be able to run again in, now, about 8 more days, and I'm already doing PT to deal with it. I've got three months to train, this isn't out of the question.
Plus, I also have Planta Fasciaitis. My PT for that was going well, and although the doctor says it will take a while, I was already feeling significant improvement and was very hopeful that conservative treatment (lots of stretching, icing, etc.) was all I was going to need. Then I went and blew out my ankle on Saturday. One step forward, two steps back, literally. But I'm gonna do it.
Then, last Friday, I'm at a friends out and suddenly, my I keep joking that my body is in entropy. Weight wise, I wish!
I've always wanted to do this and not waiting until I lose the weight is a glorious violation of the Fat Girl Rules. I'm so glad the fine ladies at Angry Fat Girlz articulated those and posted them. I didn't follow them all, but I was a major disciple of "I can't try to work on any other goals until I get rid of this fat." That really hit home when I read it, and from that point on, I've made a point of violating it, and it feels great. I wrote last year that I wasn't pouring a 200+ pound body into a triathlon suit. Fuck that. I'm running.

Still, I'm down almost 2 pounds. I got all my photos printed and mounted for this show I've got coming up, and that's lifted a huge amount of stress from me and I know that's got a lot to do with it. But the lesson learned here is that stress is my binge trigger. Yesterday I had a heinous day at work, with a fire to put out that's still raging, and I got up and went to the cafeteria and bought some chocolate covered pretzels from the Easter Candy Lady that was set up there and as I swallowed them I realized exactly what I was doing. I was stressed out from work and I was anesthetizing with food. "This stops now," I said to myself, looking over my numbers for the past two months and realizing I'd thrown plenty of good work out the window. For dinner, I carefully made some grilled chicken, a little pasta, and some asparagus. (Mmmmmm, asparagus. It's asparagus season.) But it really did feel good to be back in control, to make a healthful, delicious dinner. That's also been an issue besides the stress: I've been swamped with stuff, and I claim no time to make dinner, which, when I make it, is always better for me and my goals than something that's quick and easy to nuke up or re-heat or get in a drive through. I need to really concentrate on making and eating good food. And I have to learn to identify my stress trigger earlier and catch it before I eat stupidly again. You'd think two months of backpedaling would teach me.

OK, back to fires.