Thursday, September 27, 2007

No Changes; Plus Things You Notice

I weighed in and no change. That's ok. I ate pretty much what I wanted (at times) this week, so staying the same is ok.

Now that I've lost almost 10% of my previous weight, I've noticed that my abs really suck. My butt is much smaller and so are my legs and face and everything, but my abs are flabby and gross. Dang.

I might have lost weight, but sometimes I don't feel like I look all that great.

I need to start working on that part of my anatomy - AND FAST!!!!!

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

Must stay in front of this, not behind it

We have a great leader, Gayle, at our WW meeting. She claims she's writing a book about her experiences as a leader. It's a book I'd like to read (and we're all in it she says! :))

One thing she said that's really stuck with me is this:

"You must stay in front of this thing, not behind it"

My take on it:

Once you have a weight problem you always have one, and to stay within range you must constantly be proactive, vigilant, and take nothing for granted. Don't wait for it to be a problem, instead, make sure it's not.

BTW - I'm down 17.2!!!!!!! Yeah!

Thursday, September 20, 2007

The Metrics System

My weightloss continues at a glacial pace, and so does my return to hardcore recordkeeping. I'm a good little journalista during the week, on the weekend, all hell breaks loose. Numbers this week: 219.2, fat % 45.0.

But while I'm only down point .6 (I puit the word and the actual period there to emphaside that when I say "only" point 6, I mean ONLY point 6, not 6 pounds), my fat percentage dropped some 2 percentage points, down to 45%, and that's the lowest it's been in a while. Now that fall is kicking in, and I'm in the gym at least once a week, I'm lifting weights, and just over two weeks I've dropped three percentage points. At this point, I need to really trust the metrics behind the fat percentage. Because if you go on the assumption that total fat = total weight x fat percentage, I've lost 4.67 pounds of pure fat, and that's not a bad thing for re-starting a weight loss program. Maybe I should call it a "fat loss program" because that's what I'm really trying to lose.

I know, I know, I'm reaching here, but I need metrics, and right now, the popular standard -- simple weight -- is failing me at a time when I need a boost of confidence. I stumble all over the fatophere and I see all sorts of different metrics -- BMI, actual measurements, "how my clothes feel" and they're all legitimate measurements of success in the weight loss arena. But we all get pulled back to that simply weight factor. I can go on and on about how I dropped 4.67 pounds of fat in one week, but the number that only moved a half pound overall still bothers me. I have to get over this.

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

The Badass in us All

Originally uploaded by V'ron.
Wednesday Weigh In: 219.8, fat %47 (ugh), down .4.

OK, so I'm down less than a half pound, but heck, at least I'm down something. I'm a weekend cheater and I have to do something about that. I had the girls over for dinner Friday night, and we really didn't make pigs of ourselves, but plenty of Fat Bastard wine (and other brands, but I'm gonna drag out the ol Fat Bastard phrase as much as I can) probably didn't help.

No, instead I'm going to talk about how I think that at least some bits of media/body acceptance are creeping into my daughter's life. I took her to the Roller Derby Saturday night, and explained that it was all girl, that its was going to be as much show with costumes as it will be a sport with uniforms and rules. "Mom, I hope its not going to be all skinny girls like on TV," she said. She's going through a self-debate on this, I can tell. She's thin and tall (for her age, and if her grandmother's genetics have anything to say, she'll always be tall and likely lean/thin) but she sees a bit of flesh on her thigs and she thinks it's fat. I tell her its not, but I'm her mom so in that department my opinion means nothing. Still, she doesn't like Bratz, she gets bent out of shape when she sees women being exploited on TV, and she's particularly annoyed that people are calling Britney Spears fat. So hearing her hope for the rollergirls was a nice slice.

This wasn't your 60's Los Angeles Thunderbirds Roller Derby. This was New Feminism, celebrate-women's power in all shapes and sizes roller derby. The Brew City Bruisers are Milwaukee's Rollergirls, and they are tough, strong, beautiful, sexy broads who range from rail thin (helps you cut through the pack) to Livin' Large (helps you keep someone from cutting through your pack). The cheerleaders (beerleaders) are all sizes, too. Halftime entertainment is a troupe of bellydancers who also have a variety of body types. The Rollergirls are dead serious in their sport. They're good, they're competitive, they're great sports entertainment. I found myself kind of jealous, that this ol 47 year old broad with a crappy knee and a crappy ankle was born maybe a little too early to catch sisterhood with a whole league of toughass chicks. There's a regret that I'm not able to put on a pink shirt, torn fishnets, strap on some wheels, hang a cute moniker on myself like "Pound Anya" and do my stuff. I am intimidated by them, but also inspired by them: it's Stella who reminds me that running a triathlon, riding a bike 60 miles a weekend and fronting a punk band is pretty badass in and of itself. I just need to remember that it’s the same with body image overall: I'm not ever going to be thin, but there's a certain beauty in the curves I have, and losing the weight will accentuate those even more. I simply have to find my beauty and run with it.

Nevertheless, its was empowering just to watch a crowd of all ages, backgrounds and such to find fun and strength and beauty in this league, and I got a warm fuzzy watching Stella enjoy this. She's seeing the teamwork, she's seeing the strength, she's seeing the confidence, and she's seeing that every one of these women have fans in the crowd. All though this whole weightloss thing Stella hangs over me: what message am I thrusting upon my daughter as I work through my own body issues and images? Soemtimes I hear her worrying about how she doesn’t look like a girl, sometimes I hear her grousing that her thighs are fat, sometimes I hear her noting that she sees other girls as fat. Somehow, mommy's love exempts me from fatness, but still. I see and hear her having all these images and thoughts, conflicting in her, and trying to make sense of it. On one hand, she sees me talking body acceptance and cheering along with the Beerleaders, on the other hand, she sees me weighing myself weekly and taking measurements and counting my food points. Am I dooming her to some kind of hell? Or am I (hopefully) both intimidating and inspiring her to find the thing that makes her both badass and beautiful, and run with it? Because that's my Stella: the tough competitive soccer player who plays in a skort, because she looks really cute in it. And I have to remember that this beautiful badass little girl came out of me.

Monday, September 10, 2007

I deserved this

Fat Bastard Wine
Originally uploaded by V'ron.
So I had the girls over for dinner/grillout last Friday, and we all drank way too much wine, and I happened to tell the Fat Bastard story, and one of them broke out a bottle of Fat Bastard wine, which I drank a lot of.

You might want to know that we had lots of good fruit and veggies, so its not like we feasted on fattening food. But we did eat meat. Meat marinated in all sorts of good yummy things. Girl food. It was fun.

And there's nothing like a glass of Fat Bastard by the light of the citronella candle.

Wednesday, September 05, 2007

Severe Attitude Adjustment Needed

OK, after the big announcement, I'm sorry to say that I'm up a pound this week. Excuses include: labor day all-weekend eat-a-thon (heck, even Jerry's lost weight!), Djing and having a few beers, and of course, that ubiquitous rickshaw I just started riding with an extra passenger of bloat. Excuses, exshmooshes. I did the classic, "Well I blew it on Thrusday, so the heck with it." I need an attitude adjustment. I was really tempted to just say I'm holding steady this week, but this blog is nothing if I'm not honest.

I especially need an attitude adjustment after this weekend. All this talk about fat acceptance, and here I am, I run into this guy I can't stand at a party, and the first thing that popped into my head was, "Ha Ha Ha! He's FAT!"

He's always been a big guy, but now he's even fatter than me! WAY fatter than me! Ha Ha HA! I know this is terrible, and probably hypocritical of me to think like this, but I can't help it. I can't stand this guy, and I was in glee that he's become FAT. Here's the thing. The reason I hate this guy (didn't like his pretentious ass from the get-go, but then he showed his true colors many years back when) he got into drumming in my (then boyfriend, now husband)'s band, a band whose repertiore and reputation DH painstakingly built with his buddies over some 10 years previous. Fat Bastard stole my husband's band's name and toured Europe under it, and the combined tenure of the guys of this bogus version of the band was maybe 1 year and some months. None of the people who'd been playing with the originals for at least 5 years were at all involved. The tour ruined the european reputation of the band because, frankly, they SUCKED, and none of the original members could afford to take him to court to stop him them. Fatso wanted to be a rock star so bad that he'd do anything, even pilfer another band's name and reputation to do it. The whole incident was loaded with bad juju, and it crushed the original band members. On the "karma's a bitch, ain't it" side, it's caught up with him. I've noticed that he since has never gotten drumming work with anybody playing original music -- original musicians are only so naïve, especially when they can see what you'll do with their work!

Anyway, ever since he stole my DH's intellectual property, I've always been disgusted by him. But I have to admit, the first thing I thought when I saw him was not, "Look at that backstabbing thief!" No it was: "Wow, that bastard has gotten FAT," and I was viciously laughing at him in my mind. Because while I'm all about fat acceptance, being fat isn't something I'd wish on my worst enemy. I wouldn't wish the health issues, the low self-esteem, the societal hatred, the whole bit on anybody. And now that fat bastard has to face it all. Ha Ha Ha HA HA! No, I wouldn't wish fatness on him, but since he brought it on himself, despite his self-rightous, look-at-me-for-I-am-correct, vegetarianism, (Yeah, he's one of those "Hey Waiter," asking loudly so the whole freaking restaurant hears them ask the question that only vegetarians ask: "Does this soup use a vegetable or chicken stock?" so that now everybody knows they're better than you kinds) I now have one more thing about him I can trash him with. But I can't use it without being correctly accused of "look who's calling the kettle black", nor can I use it when I lose the weight.

But here's the thing. I hated him before he was fat. Hell, I saw through and disliked him well before he pulled this crap on my husband. And so I don't hate him because he's fat. And I would never use his fat to hurt him, but it's tempting. I know exactly what hurts a fat person, I know exactly where to hit a fat person where it will do a lot of damage. And it's a tool I would never, never use. There's plenty of crap to throw at him that doesn't involve his fat. Like, the fact that apparently his entire artistic output of note has been made by sucking off of other people's creativity: he runs a website curating local band poster art, he is a massive fan of a band from our part of the country that made it big and thus plays cover/tribute bands devoted to them, he also is a tireless promoter of things like preserving this local architectural experiment in a postwar planned community for its historical significance. But you see, he doesn’t seem to have done anything much with his own ideas.I prefer to use this fact as a basis for trashing the ol fat bastard. He's at best a pilferer, and I'll take a fat ol girlfriend in my life over a petty ripoff artist any day. But it's still somewhat vindicative, to see this person I hate has gotten FAT. I can't stop other people for hitting him where the fat hurts, and while I would jump to the defense of any woman (for that matter, person) who does get trashed because she's fat, I wouldn't say a damn thing if somebody threw some potent fat hate in his direction. (Because, face it, men don't get trashed for their fatness as much as women.) Really, when it's people I like, I don't notice the fat. And if I don't know them, being a fat person myself, I give a person the benefit of the doubt. But I felt an ugly viciousness come over me when I saw Fat Bastard at this party. I was glad he got fat. I was glad I almost didn't recognize him because the shape of his face had changed as a result of his fat -- that's how fat he'd gotten. I hope people point at him and instanstly judge him the way my fat girlfriends are instantly judged and hated. Because I loathe that fat bastard, and I'm glad his picture of Dorian Gray has come to roost. I really don't like myself for thinking this way, but, there it is. This blog is nothing if I can't be honest. But boy, I sure do need an attitude adjustment. Are there such a thing as "mental chiropractors" who can perform such a thing?