Wednesday, February 27, 2008

Damn, I'm fat

But at least I'm not as fat as I was last week. I'm actually down two pounds, but that's down to 241.5. Ugh. Oh, it's just water weight, blah blah blah and today, as I got my picture taken for the employee directory at my new job, I'm looking at the proofs, and it was the wake up call.

"Jesus Holy Christ, I'm fat."

It's not like I wasn't fat at 218 or 211 or whatever I was starting to feel good about all this at. But this was the wake up week. That fat picture staring back at me. My smile was even fat. My favorite clothes aren't fitting me. But then I clicked on Akkasha's page. Remember Akkasha? She lost something like 250 pounds, but it wasn't easy. And it wasn't without a few times of faling off the wagon. OK, so I gained back almost all the weight I lost. So did Akkasha at one point, but I go to her for inspiration because she just picked up the pieces and got right back on, and now she feels and looks great.

I think it's helping that I'm starting to establish and follow a good routine. I've got a way to get a workout in every day. I wasn't doing that so much the past few months, and it showed. I didn't really change my eating habits this past week, simply put the daily workout back in and that accounted for a two pound loss right there. And when the weather gets warmer, I'll be back on my bike to get to and from work, which is instant workout right there.

So I'm clawing my way out of this hole I've dug for myself. OK. Damn, I'm fat.

Friday, February 01, 2008

No, really, I'm back. This Time For Sure

Now I'm really back. OK, now I can speak freely. I paid absolutely no attention to weight loss these past two months, so it would be hypocritical to write about it. Fact is, I gained. And now I can talk about it.

I was in the interview process (which in my field can go for two months) and I got the offer this week. I turned in my resignation at my current job (where I've been for a decade!) and now I can finally talk. I was afraid to post here because I lay my emotions bare on this weightloss blog, and I didn't want to risk anybody finding out that I was interviewing.

But yeah. Here's the thing. In the past bunch of months I started realizing more and more that I'm in the wrong industry. It started to come into focus (pun intended) when I project managed that art opening. For a while I had a nagging feeling (bordering on resentment) that I wasn't where I needed to be. And that wasn't fair to my current employer (who's always been good to me), and I was loaded with conflicting feelings and guess how I took that out?

Well, put it this way. I'm back up to 235 -- where I started this journey. And I hadn't really made much progress in the months preceeding. I had to buy a whole new interview suit because my regular one was really ill-fitting -- I haven't had to wear an interview suit in 10 years! (It was also 10 years out of date, and it *looked* so 1997 that I couldn't have possibly have shown up for an interview with a cool employer located in the artsy refurbished warehouse district smack off the set of Thirtysomething and … well that's just an excuse. It could have been some smashing Stella McCartney or DKNY ensemble and it would have been wrong because it didn't fit.

But after I got The Call, even my husband noticed that my muscles finally loosened up. And I'm now ready to re-claim my plan. 2007 was certainly a year of rediscovery, as one of my commenters noted. I ran a triathlon, I had a successful art opening, I'm gettting freelance writing articles published in the MSM, and now, I got this new job that's going to allow me to leverage both my business skills with my artistic background. And maybe I had to go through all of this. I found myself, ever since Wednesday (the day I got The Call -- which, truth be told, was actually The Email, but the 20th century "call" just seemed more dramatic) not reaching for food every ten seconds to pass the time.

The lesson learned here, though, is that I still haven't cured the fact that I STILL use food as an (ultimately ineffective) stress relieving tool. It's not even effective short term. It satisfies a moment, rather than nourishes. I have work to do. And not just at the new job.