Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Enough. Time for a change.

As you can see, I've totally changed my blog template, and I was spurred to do this pretty much because I'm in such a weightloss slump. I ended up re-designing my entire net presence: my regular blog and my homepage and all have this same look and feel, and I finally decided to do a 30-second google search to get the html for "open link in new window" so that you, dear end user, won't have to flip back to this page every time I redirect you through a link to some other non-sixthstation link. But what started out as a teeny little project to change maybe the colors on this blog turned into a full-fledge complete web presence redesign. Sort of like those times you thought you'd wash the floor in the kitchen, and end up totally cleaning out all the cabinets and throwing out all that "gift food" you get around the holidays with gourmet mixes you'll never use. I still have a little graphic work to do, but the bulk of my redesign is done. I think its easier to read, too.

School starts today for the kids, so summer's officially over.

And the point of all of this is, as I've been threatening to do for some months now, is start fresh, with Beginner's Mind, new web design, new everything. The fact that school starts today puts the entire family back on a predictable routine, and I said out loud to the family last night, "Enough. I've lost 20 since I started this thing, but I haven't lost a net pound in a full year. Enough." Especially after this weekend, which was kind of stressful, and I fed it by eating binging. I knew it, as I shoveled a Wendy's doublecheeseburger down my throat at 2 am. Gulp, I'm binging, this is bad, this is what I shouldn't be doing, chew chew chew gulp. This isn't "consistent with my weight loss goals," I thought, spooning that dairy substitute dessert they call a Frosty into my mouth. And it didn't even feel good.

I begin with a gain of a half a pound, up to 219.2. The silver lining to this is, well, at least I know that once I get to goal, maintenance won't be a problem for me. I'm not gaining any more; clearly I've taugth myself to eat normally (besides the binging incident) and that the occassional frozen custard, slice of cheesecake, or 12-oz prime rib (complete with yummy fatty outside) won't balloon me up twenty pounds. But I still have to lose, and by already dropping 20 I've proven to myself I can do that too, and even hit milestones I never thought I would.

So here we go. I had a good breakfast this morning, I have a lovely grilled ahi tuna citrus salad planned for lunch, and I have a snack and some fruit here at work as well. Enough.

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

Up Again

OK, I'm in that state of mind where I've been at it too long, and I've gotten away with not journaling, and so here I am. Ugh. Back at 218.
Today I even journaled the candy I had. Taht's good.

I'm working on a new template for this blog because I'm getting sick of this. Maybe I'll just make it like my regular blog, just a diffent color scheme.

That is all.

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

Beginner's Mind, again

OK, down point 4, but I'm riding the rickshaw and I feel really bloated. I'm actually down a few measurements, which argues strongly for the fact that I journaled EVERYTHING this week, just to get back into that swing of things. Even the State Fair Cream Puff, which I ate and enjoyed immensely, with not an ounce of guilt. That's the thing. It can't be a guilt thing.

Went to a party Saturday night and was offered food and actually said, "No, thanks, I've already had dinner." These are habits that kick in when you're just starting out, and fall by the wayside, and are reasons I got stuck, as detailed last week. I've visited this topic before: I have to approach this again with Beginner's Mind.

I don't know what it is about right now, but now seems like as good a time as any to approach something with Beginner's Mind. Maybe because I had an ephiphay that I haven't mastered this weightloss stuff, even though I've been at it a long time. If I'd mastered it, I'd be at goal now. But you go through the whole journalisnig everything, oh, that's such a BEGINNER's thing to do, it's so beneath me. Well, the scale isn't budging. It's not beneath me to begin to take metrics again.

Wednesday, August 08, 2007

I'm stuck

I'm at 218. I'm up 2.

I'm stuck. I've been stuck here for a year now.

I'm going to State Fair today, which is basically a walking eat-a-thon on a stick.

It's alwasy something. But I have to remember, I can do this. I've done it before. I dropped some 25 pounds already. That's 25% of what I want to lose overall.

This is hard, but not impossible.

I need to go re-read this entire blog and learn where I've come and re-focus. I haven't posted last week not because Iw as busy, but because I was too embarassed to admit that I havehn't made any freaking progress.

But I can't just give up. That's not the title of this blog. This Blog isn't "Oh well, I tried." It's "This Time For Sure." I'm not happy with this weight, and giving up won't make me happy. It will just be failure. So I just have to figure the hell what is up with me that I can't get past this. I feel like I'm really stuck, stuck at the convergence point I discussed when I wrote this post. I clearly still haven't figured out how to get past it. But I can't go back down that ladder.

I've made strides in other aspects of my life, but the numbers are failing me (or I'm failing the numbers), and I'm very much a person who needs empirical statistics to confirm or deny what I'm doing. Yes, I generally *feel* better about myself, but I'm still not where I want to be, and I am not on the right road to get there.

More late. My freaking bike got its FIFTH FLAT Tire this morning. Brian's coming to pick me up from work and take me and my bike to a shop, where I'll fix the flat and hopefully (if I can get while-u-wait service) ride it home. Then shower (for what its worth on this miserable hot and humid day) and go to State Fair. Fortunately the concept of deep-fried s'mores on a stick isn't all that appealing to me (but those dang cream puffs are!)

Hey Wisconsinites, has anybody ever gotten a realistic Points (TM) count on a Wisconsin State Fair Cream puff. I really need to count this.